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Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Benedetta’ on VOD, Paul Verhoevens’ Salacious, Sacreligious Naughty-Nun Drama

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Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Benedetta’ on VOD, Paul Verhoevens’ Salacious, Sacreligious Naughty-Nun Drama

Now on VOD, Benedetta is Paul Verhoeven’s sacrilicious naughty-nun BOATS movie (Based On A True Story) of a real-life sister who was touched by God in a non-literal sense, and also touched one of her fellow vestals in a much more literal sense. (Hey, at least the latter was consensual.) Benedetta Carlini was a mystic who saw visions of Christ and suffered stigmata wounds, and also was a lesbian, a fate-combo that was, shall we say, less than ideal for a person existing in the 17th century. You likely know Verhoeven has quite the salacious streak – see: Showgirls, Basic Instinct, Flesh+Blood and his most vital work in decades, 2016’s Elle. Cursory research on Benedetta turns up words like “sapphism” and “frottage,” so such subject matter might be fish in a barrel for a nut like Verhoeven.

BENEDETTA: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Even as a child, Benedetta was divine AF. On her way to be dropped off forever at the abbey, she manages to talk a cadre of scoundrels from robbing her family, and even inspires a nearby bird to take a mighty messy crap on one of the thieves’ faces – stuff that not just anyone can do, so she’s OBVIOUSLY destined for Catholic greatness. Upon reaching the convent in Pescia, Abbess Felicita (Charlotte Rampling) basically says, “Hey buddy, no one rides for free,” and shakes 100 gold coins out of Benedetta’s father, bargaining him up from 50. Not a particularly godly woman is the Abbess, eh? Not as godly as Benedetta, that’s for sure. On her first night in the lovely freezing cold colorless stone walls of the abbey, Benedetta kneels to pray at the statue of the Virgin Mary, and it falls on top of her, and she instinctively suckles its wooden breast. Hello!

Eighteen years pass. Smack in the middle of playing the Blessed Virgin in a crazy-ass theatrical production put on by the convent, Benedetta has her first vision of Jesus as a bearded slab of beefcake with a sword. One fateful day, the abbey takes in Bartolomea (Daphne Patakia), a young woman seeking escape from sexual enslavement by her father and brothers. Benedetta and Bartolomea share a tender moment and thoughtful conversation in the convent’s community outhouse as Bartolomea makes deeply satisfying poopy-fart noises, and that scene actually exists in the movie, I swear, I wouldn’t make that shit up.

Turns out Bartolomea is quite the pistol, and Benedetta doesn’t take kindly to her at first. But once Benedetta starts having more intense visions – especially tasty is the one where fangy, venomous snakes slither up her dress and Jesus slashes them with his weapon – and sprouts stigmata wounds, she falls gravely ill, prompting Abbess Felicita to assign Bartolomea as her eventually naughty nurse. They become pals: Benedetta teaches Bartolomea to read and write, and Bartolomea teaches Benedetta all about the big O. Benedetta’s apparent insanity and suffering means she’s holier than all the other nuns, and so Felicita is ousted and Benedetta is named abbess by the corrupt dumbass males – including Lambert Wilson in full sniveling-shitbird mode as a skeevy bishop – who are in charge of the Catholic church. The promotion means Benedetta now shares private quarters with her “assistant” Bartolomea, and I know this is set in Italy, but I’m going to say it anyway: There’s a place in France where the nuns wear no pants, and there’s a hole in the wall where the bitter former abbess can see it all.

Benedetta
Photo: Benedetta Movie Website

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Benedetta is The Last Temptation of Christ crossed with Monty Python’s Life of Brian crossed with softcore porn.

Performance Worth Watching: Patakia gives Bartolomea a wide-eyed expression of divine mischief that brings to mind Bart Simpson when he can’t resist chucking a giant tomato at Principal Skinner’s ass. In her eyes, to blaspheme is to live deliciously.

Memorable Dialogue: “I know you’ve brought a new bride for Jesus.” – Abbess Felicita makes a benign statement that she doesn’t realized is loaded like a diaper with a bomb in it

Sex and Skin: Tons of female nudity and a few scenes of, uh, sapphic frottage.

Our Take: Jesus beheading bad guys, a dildo carved from a mini-Mary statue, the depiction of Catholic leaders as venal hypocrites – Verhoeven spins the Big Wheel o’ Blasphemy in a transparent attempt to provoke and offend. Are we laughing, or clutching our pearls yet? His intent is pretty clear. Yet his characterization of Benedetta appears to be intentionally vague: Is she hallucinating these visions? Is she a fraud who cuts her palms with pottery shards? What’s in her heart, exactly? She’s as frustrating as she is fascinating, and that seems to be part and parcel with Verhoeven’s calculations here.

Tonally, the director cuts the poker-faced drama with camp, stopping just shy of sneering contempt – like a total tease, maybe. Yet the sex scenes he stages don’t tease at all; anyone familiar with Verhoeven’s work won’t be surprised to learn that they’re prurient and graphic, and you can’t help but wonder if he’s indulging exploitative impulses or stumping for his characters’ feminist liberty. (I believe he’s trying to do both.) The latter point arises with a third-act development in which vindictive religious leaders bent on persecuting Benedetta bring a deathly plague to Pescia. Their hypocrisy is just as sickening as their viral loads, which is Verhoeven wielding his film as a satirical lash.

Our Call: STREAM IT. Impiety, thy name is Benedetta. It’s not Verhoeven’s best, but it fits perfectly in a canon of films bent on challenging his audiences – and as usual, his work isn’t for everyone. Not recommending it just feels heretical.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.

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Sports world reacts to John Madden’s death

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Sports world reacts to John Madden’s death

Legendary NFL coach and broadcaster John Madden died Tuesday morning at 85, the NFL announced. News of the football icon’s passing hit Twitter on Tuesday evening, and athletes, coaches and broadcasters from across the sports world reacted.

Fellow broadcasting legend Dick Vitale, who is currently battling cancer, called Madden “the greatest analyst of all time of any sport” in his Twitter tribute.

Former Yankees pitcher and notable Raiders fan CC Sabathia said “your legacy will live forever.” Madden coached the then-Oakland Raiders from 1969-78, a couple of years before Sabathia, a Vallejo, California native, was born. Lakers star LeBron James had similar words about Madden’s lasting legacy, adding an infinity emoji.

Former tennis star and social justice activist Billie Jean King recalled meeting Madden as a “privilege.”

Radio voice of the Rangers Kenny Albert, a five-sport broadcaster who’s been with FOX Sports since its inception in 1994, shared a photo circa 26 years ago to remember Madden.

ESPN’s Bomani Jones took a bit of a shot at current color commentators, noting that Madden “set an unreachable standard.”

Frank Caliendo, who’s made a career out of impersonations, including one for Madden, said he was surprised how emotional he felt.

Several football players, and others, including Saints running back Mark Ingram II and former Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant, credited Madden with being part of the reason why they love football.

Rams wide receiver and NFL MVP contender Cooper Kupp quote the late coach in his tribute: “The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

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Miles McBride’s Knicks role will lessen with Kemba Walker’s resurgence

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Miles McBride’s Knicks role will lessen with Kemba Walker’s resurgence

MINNEAPOLIS — The Knicks got back another body in rookie point guard Miles McBride, who was cleared from protocols Tuesday and rejoined the team in Minnesota.

But there is no longer any hype for the rookie’s return. Kemba Walker is back as the starting point guard and coming off winning Eastern Conference Player of the Week honors with four standout games, including his Christmas Day spectacular. The Knicks have gone 2-2 since Walker regained the starting job.

“It’s great,’’ coach Tom Thibodeau said. “He had a great week. He’s playing great basketball. The team winning helps him get recognized and he was a big part of driving that winning. It’s great for the team.’’

McBride was also spectacular in his last outing before getting COVID-19, when he played the entire second half Dec. 16 in Houston and seemingly earned a spot in the rotation. In fact, McBride had strung together two decent outings before he was ruled out. But things have changed since his emergence and McBride is likely back to being a bit player.

Without a practice, McBride wasn’t even expected to see time when the Knicks faced the Timberwolves to kick off a four-game road trip.

Miles McBride
NBAE via Getty Images

Of course, with Walker’s arthritic knee, anything is possible. The Knicks play Detroit on Wednesday in a back-to-back, so it’s uncertain whether Walker will complete both contests. In addition, Immanuel Quickley is out of COVID-19 protocols but Thibodeau wasn’t sure he was ready for meaningful minutes.

That left Walker against the depleted Timberwolves, who were missing their three top players (Anthony Edwards, Karl-Anthony Towns, D’Angelo Russell), all because of COVID-19 .

Kemba Walker
Kemba Walker
USA TODAY Sports

When McBride got sidelined by the virus and Derrick Rose needed ankle surgery, Walker was resurrected by Thibodeau and it’s been a stunning comeback story.

Though Thibodeau has clear reservations about Walker based on his nine-game banishment due to his defensive malaise as an undersized point guard, he admitted after the Christmas Day triple-double against Atlanta that Walker is playing “much more aggressive.”

Walker’s triple-double that featured 10 points, 12 assists and 10 rebounds was a lot different than his prior outing, when he scored 44 points against Washington.

“I thought his passing was terrific,’’ Thibodeau said before the Knicks resumed their schedule.

“Kemba had control of the game. The game tells you what to do. That’s what I loved about the way he played. I don’t think he forced anything. They puts size on him and were aggressive in their pick-and-roll coverage. He didn’t fight it. He attacked pressure the way you like to attack pressure. You don’t fight pressure with pressure. Don’t try to split it. Get rid of it, go to the backside. Let the game tell you what to do.’’

The Knicks coach is finally seeing all the elements of what Walker can do. Before his demotion, Walker was nothing more than a no-defense, 3-point shooter whose plus-minus was an abysmal minus-122.

Thibodeau was also concerned about his durability in sitting out two of the three back-to-back sets. The last load management game in Atlanta in late November triggered Thibodeau’s decision.

But now it’s only superlatives from Thibodeau in judging the last four games.

“Sometimes it’s going to be his shooting, sometimes it’s his penetration and getting in the paint to force a collapse and sometimes they’re being aggressive with their traps get rid of the ball quickly,’’ Thibodeau said. “The overall play, his rebounding. When your guards rebound, those are key to fast breaks. The more guard rebounding we get the better we can be. ‘’

The Knicks still have three players in protocols — centers Nerlens Noel and Jericho Sims and the newly infected Wayne Selden. Quickley and Kevin Knox were cleared on Christmas but were held out for conditioning.

No matter. The Knicks go as Kemba goes.

“He’s much more aggressive,’’ Thibodeau said. “That was the challenge. At the beginning of the year he and Evan were two new starters. Sometimes guys are trying to fit in. he’s being very aggressive which is the way we want him to play. Not deferring at all. When he and Julius [Randle] are aggressive like that our team is different.’’

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Bar raises dramatically for Zach Wilson in matchup with Tom Brady, Buccaneers

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Zach Wilson and Tom Brady

When Zach Wilson stares across the MetLife Stadium field at the opposite sideline this Sunday, it won’t be Trevor Lawrence he’ll be looking at as his game-day counterpart.

Lawrence, drafted by Jacksonville one spot before the Jets selected Wilson at No. 2 overall last April, is a contemporary.

This Sunday at MetLife, the Jets rookie quarterback won’t be staring at a contemporary on the other sideline. He’ll be staring at the GOAT.

Tom Brady.

The bar raises dramatically for Wilson and the Jets, who are coming off of their feel-good, get-well win over the woeful Jaguars and Lawrence this past Sunday.

Brady and Buccaneers, who are 11-4, NFC South division champions and seeking to repeat as Super Bowl champions, play the Jets, who are 4-11 and seeking more signs of development from their rookie quarterback.

To say this is a step up in competition for Wilson and the Jets going from Lawrence and the Jags to Brady and the Bucs is as obvious as pointing out that Tampa Bay receiver Antonio Brown has had a few off-the-field incidents during his otherwise stellar NFL career.

There hasn’t been a lot to keep the interest of the Jets fan this season — other than watching Wilson’s development. That took an unfortunate pause for the four games Wilson missed with a knee injury, but he’s been back for five games and has looked like a better quarterback, throwing only two interceptions in those games (none in the last three) since returning from his injury.

The problem, though, is that Wilson hasn’t been producing enough touchdowns, throwing for three of them and rushing for four others in the past five games.

Zach Wilson and Tom Brady
Zach Wilson and Tom Brady
N.Y. Post: Charles Wenzelberg; AP

Baby steps, though.

Wilson was the better quarterback this past Sunday when matched up with Lawrence, who threw for more yards than Wilson did, but Wilson ran for 91 yards, including his electric 52-yard scoring jaunt, and made key throws when he needed them.

Wilson will not win Sunday’s game against Brady and the Bucs throwing for the 102 yards he had against the Jaguars. He and the Jets will need more.

Consider this: Brady enters the game having thrown 37 TD passes and for 4,580 yards this season and averages a league-high 305.2 passing yards per game.

Then this: The Buccaneers average 29.5 points per game this season, second most in the NFL.

And this: Wilson doesn’t have a single 300-yard passing game, averages 183 passing yards per game and has thrown seven TD passes in 11 games.

Seven TD passes is a pedestrian two-game total for Brady.

Wilson and the Jets are playing with house money anyway in what always has been a developmental season, so Sunday against Brady should, at its very least, be a great measuring-stick learning experience for Wilson, who’s studied Brady on tape.

Wilson revealed this month that he watched film of Brady before the Jets played the Eagles on Dec. 5 in an effort to pick up tips on how Brady worked against the Eagles defense when he played them earlier in the season.

“I thought it was really cool to see kind of how he went through his whole process, how he navigated the pocket, different things like that,” Wilson said at the time.

On Sunday, Wilson gets to see that process up close as Brady tries to dissect a Jets defense that has yielded 29.9 points per game this season, the most in the NFL.

That puts an added onus on Wilson to produce on the other side of the ball, because he knows Brady is going to get his. Wilson will likely need to produce four TDs — any way he can — for the Jets to simply remain competitive with the Super Bowl champs.

That’s a lot to ask of a 22-year-old kid who’s produced just 11 TDs in his 11 starts, up against Brady, who’s thrown 618 TD passes and for 83,784 yards in his remarkable career.

It, too, is a lot to ask playing against an aggressive Tampa Bay defense that’s ranked No. 9 in the NFL in points allowed (20.8 per game) and is led by former Jets head coach Todd Bowles, who’d surely like to send a holiday message to his former employer.

If you don’t think Bowles will be blitzing the bejesus out of Wilson, then you probably think Antonio Brown is a living saint.

The good news for the Jets is that Wilson has shown incremental improvements, particularly when it comes to his decision-making and quicker releases on his throws.

“He’s coming along, he’s getting more comfortable, he’s calmer back there,’’ Jets coach Robert Saleh said Monday. “He’s in a great headspace and it’s going to be fun to watch him grow, continue to grow.’’

A big part of that growth will take place this Sunday as he watches the GOAT operate from the opposite sideline at MetLife.

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